Breaking News!

For Immediate Release
Dateline: Washington, DC

Earlier today, the U.S. Department of Home Interiors, “USDHI”, announced that increased “El Nino” activity in the Pacific and the continued melting of the polar ice cap (just 60 miles north of Boston) will result in major climatic changes this fall and winter. As a result, residents are being warned that this year may be one of the most unstable on record with greater than normal fluctuations in temperature and humidity levels.

The “USDHI” also warned that persons residing in areas that experience seasonal climatic changes and who live in homes built between June 15, 1802 and last Tuesday will be affected the most. This due to the fact that the wood used to construct these homes is not a very stable material and is susceptible to continued expansion and contraction caused by fluctuations in interior moisture levels. Combined with the recent introduction of modern “interior thermal neutralizers” (aka, furnaces and air conditioners), home repair experts predict that a great number of home owners will become susceptible to a common form of illness called “Squeak’itis”, a severe and debilitating mental condition, resulting from long-term exposure to unwanted and really, really annoying sounds.

As the season for chronic Squeak’itis is fast approaching, the “USDHI” mobilized all possible resources to find a cure, and with the help of the dedicated people at Accuset Tool Co., it is pleased to announce that three very unique and simple-to-use refastening systems have been assembled to permanently eradicate all known strains of Squeak’itis. The “USDHI” has been advised by Accuset that sufficient supplies of Squeak-Relief, Squeeek-No-More and Counter Snap have now been manufactured and are available for immediate shipment.

A special note: While squeaky floors are a serious problem, we just wanted to add a little levity to help explain why most floors start squeaking... We hope this helped! Now, would be the best time to hit your browser back button and continue shopping for the product that will best suit your needs.